Greetings, friends! I’m proud to announce my first line of
specialty stamps available here in the post-apocalypse! It’s a set of drawings of refrigerators,
light bulbs, fast food, air conditioners, toilet paper and the like. I call it the
“Shit We Really, Really Miss” collection. Now onto your letters!
This Town Needs an
Enema
Brent:
Do you really think the 1989 Batman movie is better than
Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, or The Dark Knight Rises? Are you an idiot?
I’m very possibly an idiot, but I do recognize you’re
referring to the comments I made in this article, and I think the implied
question here is “Why do you think the 1989 Batman movie is the best live-action
Batman movie?” So let me try to answer that instead.
https://gizmodo.com/a-rare-and-fascinating-look-at-the-making-of-the-1989-b-1520170763
The 1989 Batman movie was the first comic book movie that
got comic books right. It had the right tone, the right balance — it felt fun
and new and was everything I wanted from the movie. Sure, it had its flaws —
Keaton couldn’t move well in the suit, the Prince soundtrack was bizarre, it
certainly had its plot holes — but it took itself seriously without being dour,
it was fun without being silly or dumb, it was realistic enough to feel real
while still embracing the scope and wildness of the comics.
I’ll fully admit that I was 12 when Batman came out,
and thus I was exactly the right age to have my mind completely blown by the
movie. And maybe it’s just nostalgia that drives my modern love for the movie. But I’d
still rather watch it than Batman Returns (which is less a Batman movie than a
Tim Burton movie that Batman happens to stop by), the two ludicrous Schumacher
films, or the three dour Dark Knight films from Chris Nolan (although I’d argue
The Dark Knight is the best of those because Heath Ledger’s Joker makes the
film fun and entertaining, even if Batman is still kind of a drag).
I understand Nolan’s Bat-movies are “realistic” and
“gritty,” but if I wanted realistic and gritty I wouldn’t be watching a movie
about a man dressed up as a bat fighting crime. So yeah, I’ll take the 1989
Batmobile over the Tumbler, I’ll take the Joker’s impromptu parade with
counterfeit money and balloons filled with Smilex over a nuclear bomb, and I’ll
take Keaton’s stylish badass over Bale’s tortured, angry soul, even if Keaton’s
Batman can’t turn his neck.
Make Love Not Thor
Adam F.:
Dear Mr. Postman,
I need to know if I’m in the minority here due
to my (very) minor disappointment in the Thor movies. Let me be clear – I love
that Marvel brought Thor and Co. to life and the casting has ranged from pretty
darn good (Hemsworth, Hopkins, Warriors Three) to fantastic (Hiddleston, Elba)
in my opinion. But am I the only one who was disappointed that we got the
glitzy, glam Asgard and the shiny gold armor for everyone instead of the
earth-toney, Viking-esque, castle-like Asgard? I was totally stoked to
see Elba rocking the Viking helmet and horns with an animal skin cape (see
Marvel’s Siege miniseries) and
instead he gets put in that ridiculous Academy Award knockoff. And then The Dark World just complicates
things because at one point you have what amounts to a starship battle complete
with invisibility cloaks, directed energy weapons, and energy shields and the
next they’re crashing through stone castle walls. I know I need to just
let this go because the movies are good and I still enjoy watching them, but do
I also need to let it go because no one else on the planet agrees with me? Thanks!
Well, yeah, you should probably let it go. Not necessarily
because no one agrees with you, but because the movies are pretty good and
because being enraged about the overall design of the Thor movies is really not
worth losing sleep at night. But since I lose sleep over the same sort of
nonsense, I can’t really blame you here.
But maybe I can make you feel better. While Marvel’s Thor
has dabbled with a certain amount of Norse authenticity, the default Marvel
Thor is always going to be the original tone Jack Kirby set for the series, and
then Walt Simonson’s terrific run in the ’80s. For most of the Thor comics’
40-year history, it’s been that weird magic/scifi/the
gods-are-extra-dimensional-beings-whose-technology-we-don’t-understand-even-slightly
stuff. I think the Thor movies nailed this, and I think the flying longboats
are a perfect example — they’re just Norse-ish enough to seem plausible, while
reminding people these “gods” are actually extra-dimensional beings so no one
has to freak out about Marvel being anti-Christian or some nonsense.
So even if you aren’t a fan, using this style is keeping
Marvel out of a major shitstorm that could have theoretically derailed Thor and
even to a certain extent the Avengers. Consider the laser beams the price
Marvel paid to get Thor on-screen. Feel better?
Special Affection
Mr.
Squee:
Dear Mr. Postman,
Today I was musing on that old
cinematic turkey “Howard the Duck.” Part of what made it bad, I
felt, was that the special effects of the period weren’t up to snuff. The
idea of having a cynical talking cigar-smoking duck interacting with human
beings is a great idea. Back then, the best that could be done was to
literally have a short guy in a duck suit. Now, with computer animation
technology advanced enough to make you believe you’re seeing
cities get trashed by giant monsters, making Howard plausible on
the big screen should be a snap.
My question to you, Mr. Postman,
is this: Which science fiction/fantasy/horror film that got hit
by the great ideas/lousy special effects curse deserves a cinematic second
chance with current SFX technology?
From an effects standpoint, I’d love to see a big-budget
remake of Big Trouble in Little China, but there’s literally no way anyone
could possible match the original movie’s charm and weirdness, let alone Kurt
Russell’s performance. Same with Army of Darkness — it’d be awesome to see that
movie with modern effects, but no one’s going to replicate Bruce Campbell, so
there’s no need.
I’m excited by the new Godzilla movie, because Godzilla is
about spectacle, and modern effects will definitely bring something there. I
really want another Tron movie, and I think a lot more could be done with the
effects (and I would prefer a little more computer in my computerized world, as
opposed to an all-black Apple Store). I also wouldn’t mind a shot-fot-shot
remake of Zardoz with modern special effects, but I understand this legally
makes me insane.
I’m going to open this one up to the floor: What movies do
you think modern special effects could actually justify a remake?
Studio System
Utsav:
Dear Rob,
Nice work with keeping the postal department
alive in the future. My question is simply this,
Why is it so hard for people to understand
that films made by Marvel Studios fall in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and
have NOTHING to do with the Marvel licensed films made by Sony or Fox?
I mean every other day I am reading a comment
by someone who asks where were X-Men during the battle of New York or saying
that Marvel Studios have a bad record with Wolverine movies? Why isn’t the
concept of mutual exclusion between studios yet completely understood by the
masses?
Well, to be fair, all of these are Marvel movies, but only
the Iron Man, Captain America, Thor and Hulk ones are Marvel Studios movies.
It’s easy for me to know the difference, but I’m a professional nerd paid to
keep up with this sort of thing — I don’t know how much normal people are
invested in or keep up with what studios put out which movies, and thus I don’t
know if it’s generally accepted knowledge that different studios own different
Marvel properties and just a few people haven’t gotten the memo, or no one
knows the studio thing other than smart, well-informed, attractive io9-readers
and the like.
What bugs me is when people know Sony has Spider-Man and Fox
has the X-Men, but think that since Marvel owns the characters, they somehow
have any input on the movies. These people seem to think that Marvel has
graciously let these studios make movies about their characters and thus have
some sort of control over them, as opposed to reality, in which Marvel sold
these rights in a desperate attempt to keep the company from imploding (because
Marvel was literally bankrupt less than 20 years ago). I don’t really know why
this irritates me, because this is just more knowledge I know as a professional
nerd. I guess I figure if you care enough to pay attention to which studios make
which movies, you should probably also know that the studios are the ones in
charge. Which is partially why Marvel Studios came into existence in the first
place.
Remember the Titans
Psylent1:
The article on Donna Troy got me thinking about how DC’s
New52 has destroyed the legacy of the Teen Titans. For those unfamiliar with
the Titans history, here’s a link.At first, the New52 said the Titans existed, but
quickly retconed that away. In the crossover with Legion Lost, the Legionaries
said the Teen Titans should not exist yet, but then the Legion itself was
retconed as being from Earth 2. Right now I don’t think they even know what is
going on in their own books. Let’s see
the damage:
Wonder Girl (Donna Troy): No longer exists
Kid Flash (Wally West): No longer exists
Aqualad: No longer exists, but there was a
reference to a “purple-eyed boy” in AquamanRobin/Nightwing (Dick Grayson): Exists but just
how long was he Robin? Was he ever a Titan?Speedy/Arsenal: Exists and remembered the Titans
in early issues, then the Titans was retconed awayLilith: Exists, but as a Eyes-sewed shut villain
Hawk & Dove: Exists, but were never Titans
Mal Duncan: No longer exists
Bumblebee: No longer exists
New Teen Titans;
Cyborg: Exists but is now Apocalyptic tech and
was never a TitanBeast Boy; Exists, but is now red and angry
instead of green and happy-go-luckyStarfire: Exists, but was changed into a living
blow-up doll and was never a TitanRaven: Exists, but as a servant of her father
TrigonThunder & Lighting: Exists in name only, new
charactersTerra: Exists, but a different character
Jericho: Exists, but as a villain hunting his
father, never a titanPantha, Red Star, Wildebeast, Phantasm; All no
longer existRose Wilson: Exists, but now a villain, never a
TitanJesse Quick: No longer exists but if she does
appear, it will probably be on Earth 2Team Titans: No longer exist
Titans West: No longer exist
Atom’s Teen Titans: No longer exist
The New Teen Titans had some of the best comics
ever made, especially those written by Marv Wolfman and drawn by George Perez;
The Judas Contract, Deathstroke, The HIVE, Trigon, Who is Donna Troy?. All of
that erased from continuity and I have to ask why? Who in the New52 wanted to
destroy all of this? Did someone have a problem with Wolfman and/or Perez?
Let me clue you in to a little secret: DC’s decision to
relaunch its entire universe with the New 52 was pretty much a snap decision.
It could have been perfect if they’d taken some time and planned out everything
—what should stay, what should be jettisoned, what was retconned, and so forth. But
instead there just was a mandate to put out a bunch of #1 issues as quickly as
possible, and DC decided superheroes have only been around for five years, and
ever since then they’re still figuring out what is and isn’t canon. That’s why
the Teen Titans, Donna Troy and Aquaman’s marriage were all erased months after
the launch. (Fun fact: No one working on the Superman comic had any idea of
what had happened in Superman’s past to the point that no one knew if Ma or Pa
Kent were even alive — because DC decided Grant Morrison could make it up as he
went along in Action Comics).
There’s no grand conspiracy to destroy the Titans; they’re
just the unfortunate victims of a great many things. First, there’s DC’s
“everything has only been around for five years”, which wiped out a lot of
sidekicks because they want their main characters to be young and fresh. Meanwhile
all the Batman continuity stayed, because Batman sold well, which means
Nightwing is too old for the Titans. Then there’s Geoff Johns’ love of the
Silver Age, which is why Barry Allen is back, and why there’s no need for Wally
West and Bart Allen. I’ve previously mentioned why Donna Troy is a disaster
than DC has simply avoided, which wasn’t a terrible idea. Cyborg got promoted
to the Justice League for gender diversity. Admittedly I have no clue what the
hell happened with Starfire — I think because so many former teen characters
had become adults over the years, when relaunching their universe DC just
decided to keep some of them that age. And I assume Starfire was one of them
because boobs.
When the New 52 rejiggered things, something was going to
have to give, and the Titans just ended up with the brunt of it. I never really
noticed how badly, though, until you pointed it out with that list. Yeesh.
Ab-Solutely
Andrew:
Dear Postman,
As a resident of the post apocalyptic
future, can you tell us if there are any long-term side effects from admiring
Stephen Amell’s abs?
No negative side effects, at least. Indeed, there’s been
many a night in the cold, lonely post-apocalyptic would where men and women
alike have nothing to warm themselves but the thought of Stephen Amell’s
glistening abs. Better than mittens, that’s for fucking sure.
Do you have questions about anything scifi, fantasy, superhero, or nerd-related? Email the [email protected]! No question too difficult, no question too dumb! Obviously!
