Happy new year, folks! I wish I could tell you what year I’m
in, but to tell the truth after our smartphones died and people stopped making
calendars, we post-apocalyptic survivors kind of lost track of dates. So for
New Year’s Eve, we all kind of get together and pick an evening and get really, really drunk. It’s a lot
like the other nights we get drunk, but with more festive hats.
Special Ed
Jennifer H.:
Dear Mr. Postman,
I am hoping you find
this letter that I attached around the neck of my cat. I don’t have any
children who can stand out weathering the elements, so he will have to do.
As you’re in the
future, where Disney owns the rights to Star Wars, you might not remember the
outrage over George Lucas editing the original films and adding things to
them. Do you think there is a chance that Disney will re-release the
films without the footage added in or are they more likely to make it
worse? I think there is a lot of money to be made if they did just a
simple re-release of things without the CGI additions of pre-Vader Anakin, as
an example. Or is it possible that disney will make things worse and
digitally insert references to mouse ears?
Also, I’ve always wondered, who was the most annoying
character to you when you take out the two fan favorites of Jar-Jar Binks and
the Ewoks?
Look, I know I’m a fake mailman in the post-apocalyptic
future, but even I remember the madness surrounding the original Star Wars
trilogy and its “special editions.” There’s a certain breed of nerd that will
never stop discussing how Han shot first, even when they’re scavenging for
canned goods in a decrepit convenience store.
But have hope, because I’m pretty sure Disney will be
releasing the original Original Trilogy at some point on DVD and Blu-ray — or at the
very least, they’re more likely to than George Lucas ever was. (Yes, I know Lucas technically released them on DVD, but they were neither remastered nor put in anamorphic widescreen, meaning they looked literally no better than the VHS versions. They don’t count. At all.)
There are
several reasons for this, but mainly 1) Disney doesn’t have the emotional hang-ups that
Lucas does and they aren’t trying to prove anything, and 2) they really like
money, and they know there’s a sizable market for the pre-special edition movies.
George Lucas released only the special editions because he thought they were the
better versions of the films, but this time the soulless, mercenary corporation
is working for us because they don’t give a shit about artistic integrity. There’s no reason for them to ignore this easy revenue
stream.
The same goes for Disney’s chances of tinkering with the
previous movies — they aren’t worried about Lucas’ original vision for the films, or
trying to tie the original trilogy to the prequels. They just want money, and
they’ll do that by two ways: by making new Star Wars films and reselling the
old ones. Unless George Lucas somehow made not selling the pre-Special Editions
part of the contract when he sold Lucasfilm to Disney — which he is crazy
enough to do, although I feel we would have heard about it by now — not
releasing an unedited, anamorphic widescreen version of the original trilogy on DVD and Blu-ray is literally just turning down money.
As for my most loathed character in fandom, I would have to
say Snarf. I’m not a big ThunderCats fan or anything, but the original Sanrf is
so loathsome, so annoying, and so devoid of any redeemable quality he
practically qualifies as a hate crime every time he wanders on screen.
Public Defenders
Eric W.:
Postman,
With the news of Netflix
collaborating with Marvel Studios on new series and a Defenders
feature/mini-series, I got to thinking (always dangerous).
The traditional Defenders
lineup is Hulk, Dr. Strange, Silver Surfer, and Namor. Three out of four
of these men could literally split the world in two if they really wanted to,
and the fourth is a flying, super strong mutant who also happens to rule an
entire nation of technologically advanced mer-men. Has there ever been a more
insanely overpowered group of heroes who actually routinely work and fight
together?
You could make a case for the
Justice League I suppose, but their members rarely take on problems together,
they just sort of dispatch one or two people as needed all over the
place. Same with The Avengers in a lot of cases (and without Hulk in
their lineup The Avengers really don’t stack up all that well against the
Defenders from a raw power standpoint).
The Defenders are built like
they were put together by a bunch of 10-year-olds on a playground. Every
member is the biggest, baddest, fastest, most powerful being they could come up
with. Is there any other group this insane from top to bottom? I’m curious to hear your take.
It’s kind of an esoteric question (which is totally fine,
seeing as that’s mostly what this column is about). No, there’s probably not
another team whose members are all so consistently powerful, mainly because
most comic book teams are designed to be diverse (in powers, if nothing else).
Having four uber-powerfui dudes presents something of a storytelling challenge,
which is partially why the Defenders comic have been canceled like a dozen times
over the last 40 or so years.
But in terms of gross power, I’d say the Justice League
definitely has the Defenders beat. Yes, often the team breaks up to fight
smaller threats, but they’re not adverse to banding together to take on more
massive problems (of which the Defenders would certainly be one). I’d think the
original Authority has a pretty good chance of taking them on, too.
Also, the Avengers could beat them, because they’re the
Avengers and the Defenders are the Defenders. The in-story reasoning would
probably be something like while the Defenders have power, the Avengers have
more intelligence, and can outsmart the Defenders; or maybe it’d be because the
Avengers are a real team with a real leader and the Defenders are basically
four guys who occasionally manage to agree to beat somebody up. They’re not
exactly a cohesive team like the Avengers are, and that’s a liability. Even at
the best of times, Namor and Hulk don’t exactly play well with others.
Truth Decay
John:
I have some questions about zombies that I hoped you could
answer. Since the human body decays after death at a gradual rate, Wouldn’t a
solid plan of action during the apocalypse be to, just live on our rooftops
(hoping that zombies can’t climb stairs) and just wait for the zombies to decay
themselves back to death?
Well, yes, as long as you have enough supplies to live your
roof for the six or so months it would take for the zombie horde to decay to a
point where they no longer had the musculature to move (the time depends a
great deal on the temperature and the climate of your location). Assuming you
don’t have a half-year’s worth of food and shelter on the top of your house,
you’re going to need to make supply runs, at the very least through your house,
and who knows if or when a zombie will be waiting for you. So it’s a good plan,
but not very practical.
One other thing to consider: Any long-running zombie
narrative — like The Walking Dead or George Romero’s Of the Dead films —
features zombies that have been around for much longer than they should be. Sure, zombies are always
creating new zombies, but I think you have to consider that part of the zombie
virus slows the rate of decomposition to some degree. Otherwise Rick and pals would be chilling at a Chuck E. Cheese by this point.
Suffragette City
Eleanor S.:
Why is there a deadline to have a female
Doctor? Because it’s the 21st century? In the United States (and in
many other countries) women get paid less than their male counterparts.
Gender inequality is an issue we still face. Do you think casting a
female in the role of a science-fiction super hero is going to change that?
You talk about a female Doctor like it’s an
inevitability. But what if the Doctor after Capaldi is another male?
And then another male after that? What if 2025 rolls around and
there still hasn’t been a female Doctor? Will you stop watching the show?
Will you send angry letters to the BBC? What exactly are you going
to do if they don’t meet your expectations?
And why should they? Because it’s cannon
that time lords can change gender? So what? Long before Neil
Gaiman’s throw-away line there was a throw-away line by the Ninth Doctor that
he could regenerate without a head. How likely do you think it is that
will happen?
What IS established is that within Doctor Who
canon (that is excluding parodies and Peter Cushing) there have been thirteen
actors cast in the role of the Doctor. They have all been male.
Establishing a precedent. Why would that change now? Because
it’s the 21st century?
And lastly, isn’t there more important things
to worry about than constantly whinging about needing a female Doctor?
First of all, let me say I don’t know how “Postal
Apocalypse” turned from a discussion of superheroes’ genitalia to a
pro-feminist, gender equality in nerd-dom soapbox, but I do know my wife is
somewhat gratified by the change.
Second of all:
• There is no deadline for having a female Doctor, but I would
hope that in 2014 the show’s creators would be beyond picking an actor to play a
fictional time-traveling alien based solely on their genitalia.
• No, I don’t think casting a female Doctor is going fix
gender-based salary discrepancies, but I do think that bringing gender equality
to Doctor Who is a step towards gender equality everywhere; while it’s obviously an
extremely small step, I don’t think that means it’s not worth taking.
• Yes, I may quit watching Doctor Who if they systematically
refuse to cast a female Doctor. No, I probably wouldn’t write a letter, but I
would definitely bitch about it on the internet somewhere.
• Yes, it is canon that the past 13 Doctors have been men, and
no, that’s absolutely no reason to prevent a future incarnation from being a
woman. Having a precedent is no reason to not change something. There was a
pretty big precedent for not allowing women to vote prior to 1920 in America,
but I think we can all agree that was a change for the better, no?
• And finally yes, there are infinitely more important things to
worry about than a female Doctor, but I am not paid to discuss those things in
my nerdy letters column. Hope that helps!
Do you have questions about anything scifi, fantasy, superhero, or nerd-related? Email the [email protected]! No question too difficult, no question too dumb! Obviously!
